Because the world totally DID need another me.

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. /

Since letting the fetus out of the bag and telling the world that I'm pregnant, I've had a few people approach me and say "I'm really surprised that you're keeping the baby. I thought you were pro-choice!" It's a legitimate question - I am very vocal in my support of women's reproductive rights, and I absolutely think that having a child is a big step that far too many young parents aren't ready to take. Not to say that I'm necessarily ready (Is anyone really ever ready for that kind of responsibility? It's pretty heavy, man.), and I definitely considered my options when I first found out that I was pregnant. But, since I've decided to be a parent, let's cut the whining, and just buy me some baby stuff, k?

While we're here, let me answer some more questions, just so everyone's minds can be at-ease.

Q: Are you going to be a stay-at-home-mommy SQUEEEEALLL?!?!
A: I would rather chew my right arm off. While I intend to care for my own child while I'm not at work or school (I still work full-time, and am signed up for the GRE in July, so I'm slated to go to grad school in the fall.), I don't intend to abandon everything I've worked hard for in order to narrow my life's work to an attempt to control my child's future by spending every possible second with it. I can pay somebody else to do that, because I have a job.

Q: Are you getting married?
A: I think people tend to misinterpret my lack of desire to get married as a lack of desire to commit myself to my partner. This isn't it, at all - I just don't feel the need to obtain a piece of paper in order to legitimize our relationship for everybody else. Plus, I'm not about to try to squeeze into a wedding dress right now.

Q: When are you going to trade in your Camaro for a 4-door mommy-mobile?
A: When I decide to, if I decide to, and not a second sooner. I know lots of people who haul their kids around in a two-door car, and, although this probably has more to do with lack of access to a four-door car than refusal to give up driving a fast car, they seem like they're still surviving.

Q: Are you having a natural birth? The pain is SOOO much fun!
A: Hell, no.

Q: Why even bother having a baby if you aren't going to bring it into an uber-sterile environment controlled only by you?
A: Hillary Clinton said it takes a village, and I'm a liberal, remember?

1 comments

Planting the Seed (Like a Baptist)

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , , ,

The first time I was tsk-tsked for sticking up for another woman was when I was living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, married to a soldier. We went to a bar with some of my ex-husband's friends, one of whom was a notorious womanizer (or, so he frequently informed us - as Ferrol Sams says, "Religion is like sex - them that talks about it most is practicing it least.") who had flown in a girl from his hometown to spend the weekend with him. My ex told me that this was a common practice for his friend, who considered it a great way to get a full weekend of sex for the price of a plane ticket, and then send the sperm vessel back home and out of his way.


This month's "hometown sweetheart" and I were a few in at the bar, so we decided to take a bathroom break together. While we were fluffing our hair, she told me "He made me feel so special, told me he wanted to be with me ever since he knew me, told me he had to fly me out here to see me... but, now, I just feel like a booty call." My big mouth turned right toward her and said "Do you REALLY think you're the only one?"

Infuriated, she stormed back out of the bathroom, and proceeded to refuse to have sex with my ex's friend for the remainder of their holiday together. I wasn't surprised that her shocked and frustrated man friend was angry with me, but I was a little taken-aback to learn that the rest of the gang, my ex-husband included, were pretty irked with me. "You wasted his money!" My ex informed me, as I indignantly tried to explain to him that I couldn't just stand by while someone was being used, when I was perfectly able to shed light on their situation by answering one simple question.

Today, I am always that girl who says "The cycle of abuse ain't gonna break, honey - leave his ass now!" And I still take some major flack for it. Even my current boyfriend has warned me not to meddle in what could become a dangerous situation for me, as well. But, frankly, if a woman is sitting next to me and telling me that her boyfriend hit her, I'm not going to sit by and say "I'm sure he was just having a bad day." Usually, she doesn't leave. In fact, for the most part, I just end up being blamed for tension in the relationship caused by me putting ideas in the woman's head about how she ought to be treated.

But, if I learned something from going to a Baptist church as a kid, it's that your first attempt at witnessing may not instantly save the sinner, but you can sure plant the seed. If all I do is make sure that a woman knows that she has an ally and a safe place to go, whether she chooses to utilize it or not, at least she knows that she's not the one who is wrong, and that she's worth the trouble.

I'm not saying that I have never accepted unacceptable treatment from a man - that's why I'm divorced now. And yet, I always think that, if someone had been in my life to tell me that I deserved better, I might have left him sooner. If I can just end it "sooner" for one woman in an abusive relationship, then all the meddling is worth it.

0 comments

"Mawwiage: mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw, today."

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , , ,


Newsflash, y'all: I've been with the same wonderful guy for almost a year-and-a-half now (But who's counting? Oh, thats right - me.), and, while I'm perfectly happy to just live with him and our ill-behaved dog, Little Bear, it seems like most of my friends are either married off, or getting ready to walk the aisle. Actually, scratch that: most of my friends have already walked the aisle, and are now getting ready to hit up the delivery room. Frankly, I'm just not sure if all that's in the cards for Mandy.

Now, first, let's get a few things straight: I am not anti-marriage, nor do I not ever want children. I just have a healthy appreciation for the way things are right now, taken into consideration the fact that I blindly rushed into a doomed marriage just after my freshman year of college - among other things.

Every time I tell someone I have no plans to get married, I either get a "You go, girl!" or, much more frequently, "You're just going to let him keep on getting the milk for free, huh?" All I have to say to that second response is, that, if I considered my vagina to be a commodity, I would be making a lot more money as a prostitute as we speak.

The fact that I refuse to believe that sex is a chore for me and an account payable for my male partners aside, here's what I learned from getting married at 19: it's a big step. A step that most, in my opinion, stretch from a step to a leap when they're too eager to be married. I'm certainly not saying that you HAVE to live with someone in order to know you want to marry them - I'm just saying that a relationship cannot progress naturally if it does so by miles at a time. And signing the rest of your life away to someone whose bathroom habits you hardly even know about seems kind of a stretch, to me. Why leave so much to chance, when you can begin by spending a few nights a week together, followed by signing a six-month lease, then signing a year lease, and take it from there? Does anybody really need to make a lifelong commitment to someone else before they even get a chance to truly exist in the relationship they're committing to?

My mom is one of my favorite people in the world, and she's also probably the number-one reader of my blog. She is my best friend and I love her dearly, but (sorry, Moms!) I still find myself occasionally warding off the "You'll fall madly in love someday, and THEN you'll want to get married." My response always is: why can't I fall in love madly over time? Or, maybe I am already madly in love, and, for good reason, I'm cautious to fully act upon it? And last, but not least, is it really even possible that marriage could be hardwired into my brain? Just in case my Moms is wondering, I always provide her with the answer to that last one myself: I don't think so.

All that said, living together doesn't have to be a trial-based probationary period from hell. Au contraire: I love my life with Barry and have no plans of ever being without him. Honestly, that's probably more than I could have said about my ex-husband, and it's just as much as what most would say about their spouse, as well, if they were being realistic. You might reply "Oh no! We'll be together forever!" But would you honestly stay with someone who cheated on you, or committed some heinous crime? Every relationship has its limits.

Sure, marriage might be in the cards someday, but the real question is, if we walked the aisle now, would it really change anything? We are both monogamous and we love our life together - do we really need jewelry and an expensive ceremony to make that official (Not that I don't condone jewelry in any way, shape or form! Oh, no.)? The fact is, a lifetime does not happen on your wedding day. It happens day-by-day, for the rest of your life. And, to me, one day at a time doesn't sound too bad at all.

4 comments

On how I'm still not doing enough to please my man, and other insights from Cosmo

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , , , ,

Every time I make the mistake of leaving my house while intoxicated, I seem to come home with an issue of Cosmo. I hate Cosmo, really. Its only redeeming quality is the Chelsea Handler feature, and one page does not an entire magazine save.

This month, as usual, even Chelsea Handler advising me to make new friends, because you never know what might be prescribed to them did not keep me from getting really irritated with pretty much everything else in the magazine. Maybe I buy Cosmo because I like to be angry, because it's not like I really ever expect to read anything in there but the same old sexist, insecure, hetero-man-pleasing trope. But, at least they could offer some novel sex tips. And the cover always sounds so promising...

For example, this month's was "75 Sex Moves Men Crave!" I already knew that what's going on in the minds of the men that most Cosmo-reading women are aiming to please isn't really worth knowing, but, what the hell, I read it anyway. This one was a boring, tasteless smattering of testimonials from guys, who were whining about things their ex-girlfriends never did in bed. Nothing like anecdotal evidence from some douchebags to help me make decisions about my love life!

Because these guys were talking about their exes, they were free to let it all out without fear of reprecussion, and, judging by the kinds of things most of them were after (swallowing! buttsex! sex during my favorite time of day or night - who cares if you want to! crazy positions and tactics that require no work whatsoever from me!), it was pretty obvious who had probably done the breaking up. Although, supposedly, all of these guys never admitted these "secret" desires to their exes, I'm willing to bet that at least one of them found themselves single and without any sex at ALL after saying "Our sex is cool and all, but, I gotta admit, I'll never be totally satisfied until you start interrupting your sleep schedule more often to wake me up in the middle of the night with surprise sex. Don't worry, I'll be laying here, motionless, while you do all the work and I have all the orgasms."

I think that, from now on, I'll just pick up Maxim or Playboy. At least they don't pretend to have my best interests in mind.

3 comments

On Babies.

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , ,


This afternoon, I watched a six-months-pregnant woman smoke three cigarettes in two hours.


Don't get me wrong: I strongly believe in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that, once you opt to carry your pregnancy to term, you should, like, take it seriously or something. Yes, I know that smoking during pregnancy will probably only result in a premature baby with asthma - but, still. It happens so often that I see people my age who have children, but are determined to maintain their pre-baby lifestyle. I'm sure that's fun, but, in my opinion, even if you didn't wind up with stretchmarks, a baby should cramp your style considerably. Because, in case you didn't know, babies are pretty much the Mark of the Beast in the world of adult pastimes.

Okay, maybe I am just a little biased. Growing up, I never remember my parents having a so much as heated discussion in front of me, much less a cigarette. True, I may be the sibling with the least-desirable result of their parenting efforts, but, regardless, the 'rents did manage to teach me one of life's most valuable lessons: "Save the drama for your momma."

So, earth to future mothers everywhere: it's called birth control! It comes highly recommended by me, but, even more importantly, it gives you a chance to plan gestation for a time when you will be ready to spend your surplus income on stuff babies like, and not on cigarettes.

0 comments

When Feminists Are Like Piranhas.

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , , , ,

I recently had the opportunity to write for Fictionista Workshop, an online community for female writers, which is pretty badass. My piece was about feminism and chick lit, which I didn't think was an overly-controversial topic. I thought I had examined the issue from every angle and reached a pretty moderate conclusion: while chick lit doesn't represent a very vast swath of the female experience, it's not exactly repressive. And yet, a commenter still managed to log in and declare that my essay was a white, middle-class piece of trash. WELL.


I'm not upset about the comment - that is one piece of unnecessarily-negative feedback, and all my other interactions with the ladies of Fictionista have been great. Although I might note that anyone who thinks that I'm middle class should take a look into my naked pantry before they go pointing fingers.

Granted, criticism is something all writers should be prepared to deal with - especially in the online community, where anyone with an internet connection can log in and declare your work unsatisfactory. But, in my experience with online feminist communities, the ice seems to be even thinner than it is elsewhere.

For example, quite awhile ago, I posted a blog on Feministing.com about my eyebrows. I definitely got more positive feedback than negative, but one user seemed to be really upset that I had used the word "she-man" when describing how people reacted to my decision to quit plucking my eyebrows. I certainly didn't mean to offend, and I had never dreamed that using that word in an anecdote would turn someone off to my whole piece. As someone who hadn't been a part of the feminist blogosphere for very long, I was left feeling pretty discouraged.

The fact is that, when it comes to online feminist communities, it's really easy to lose your footing. First, this has a lot to do with society: for the most part, we never even realize how anti-woman our everyday speech can be. But, secondly, this has to do with the online feminist presence that can sometimes be very quick to criticize perceived prejudice, whether the author intended it or not.

Do I think that we should make a point to educate writers about negative language that they may not realize is offensive to others? Absolutely. But maybe there are gentler ways to do it than many of the ones I've seen - and I'm not just bitterly referring to my own writing here. Woman-friendly sites like FictionistaWorkshop.com, Feministing.com and the many others like them all provide an excellent platform for women to gain strength by interacting with one another. But we lose a part of that bond when, as commentators, we are quick to attack our fellow woman. As feminists in a patriarchy, it can be easy to be on the defensive, but, if we don't let our guard down and give our fellow woman the benefit of a doubt, it will make joining together to change the world that much more difficult.

0 comments

In Which the Educational Systems Lets Mandy Down: Part Ten Millions

Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: , , , ,

I haven't blogged in forever, and, if you look at the date and subject matter of my last blog, the reason is obvious: I got two jobs and started taking more courses on campus.


After having accomplished what has always been my #1 goal in life - obtaining a degree - in December, I was all set to start taking a few graduate courses in January. This didn't leave me a lot of time to take the GRE and pander for letters of recommendation, but my advisor assured me that I could receive provisional admission and take classes while I got my portfolio together. This sounded like a great idea, until I looked online and found out that provisionally-admitted students don't get financial aid - no Pell Grants, no loans, no nothing. So essentially, A&M-Commerce screwed up my educational plans bigtime. Oh, well. I didn't really want to go to grad school there, anyway.

So now, here I am, bored again, and blogging. Join me on my adventure as I look for a job! Apply to grad schools! Write all kinds of things while I sit at home with nothing else to do! Clean my apartment! Eat Mac N Cheese! Watch paint dry! If you don't want to keep reading, that's fine. I didn't want you to look at my blog, anyway.

1 comments

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)