The first time I was tsk-tsked for sticking up for another woman was when I was living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, married to a soldier. We went to a bar with some of my ex-husband's friends, one of whom was a notorious womanizer (or, so he frequently informed us - as Ferrol Sams says, "Religion is like sex - them that talks about it most is practicing it least.") who had flown in a girl from his hometown to spend the weekend with him. My ex told me that this was a common practice for his friend, who considered it a great way to get a full weekend of sex for the price of a plane ticket, and then send the sperm vessel back home and out of his way.
This month's "hometown sweetheart" and I were a few in at the bar, so we decided to take a bathroom break together. While we were fluffing our hair, she told me "He made me feel so special, told me he wanted to be with me ever since he knew me, told me he had to fly me out here to see me... but, now, I just feel like a booty call." My big mouth turned right toward her and said "Do you REALLY think you're the only one?"
Infuriated, she stormed back out of the bathroom, and proceeded to refuse to have sex with my ex's friend for the remainder of their holiday together. I wasn't surprised that her shocked and frustrated man friend was angry with me, but I was a little taken-aback to learn that the rest of the gang, my ex-husband included, were pretty irked with me. "You wasted his money!" My ex informed me, as I indignantly tried to explain to him that I couldn't just stand by while someone was being used, when I was perfectly able to shed light on their situation by answering one simple question.
Today, I am always that girl who says "The cycle of abuse ain't gonna break, honey - leave his ass now!" And I still take some major flack for it. Even my current boyfriend has warned me not to meddle in what could become a dangerous situation for me, as well. But, frankly, if a woman is sitting next to me and telling me that her boyfriend hit her, I'm not going to sit by and say "I'm sure he was just having a bad day." Usually, she doesn't leave. In fact, for the most part, I just end up being blamed for tension in the relationship caused by me putting ideas in the woman's head about how she ought to be treated.
But, if I learned something from going to a Baptist church as a kid, it's that your first attempt at witnessing may not instantly save the sinner, but you can sure plant the seed. If all I do is make sure that a woman knows that she has an ally and a safe place to go, whether she chooses to utilize it or not, at least she knows that she's not the one who is wrong, and that she's worth the trouble.
I'm not saying that I have never accepted unacceptable treatment from a man - that's why I'm divorced now. And yet, I always think that, if someone had been in my life to tell me that I deserved better, I might have left him sooner. If I can just end it "sooner" for one woman in an abusive relationship, then all the meddling is worth it.
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