Every time I make the mistake of leaving my house while intoxicated, I seem to come home with an issue of Cosmo. I hate Cosmo, really. Its only redeeming quality is the Chelsea Handler feature, and one page does not an entire magazine save.
This month, as usual, even Chelsea Handler advising me to make new friends, because you never know what might be prescribed to them did not keep me from getting really irritated with pretty much everything else in the magazine. Maybe I buy Cosmo because I like to be angry, because it's not like I really ever expect to read anything in there but the same old sexist, insecure, hetero-man-pleasing trope. But, at least they could offer some novel sex tips. And the cover always sounds so promising...
For example, this month's was "75 Sex Moves Men Crave!" I already knew that what's going on in the minds of the men that most Cosmo-reading women are aiming to please isn't really worth knowing, but, what the hell, I read it anyway. This one was a boring, tasteless smattering of testimonials from guys, who were whining about things their ex-girlfriends never did in bed. Nothing like anecdotal evidence from some douchebags to help me make decisions about my love life!
Because these guys were talking about their exes, they were free to let it all out without fear of reprecussion, and, judging by the kinds of things most of them were after (swallowing! buttsex! sex during my favorite time of day or night - who cares if you want to! crazy positions and tactics that require no work whatsoever from me!), it was pretty obvious who had probably done the breaking up. Although, supposedly, all of these guys never admitted these "secret" desires to their exes, I'm willing to bet that at least one of them found themselves single and without any sex at ALL after saying "Our sex is cool and all, but, I gotta admit, I'll never be totally satisfied until you start interrupting your sleep schedule more often to wake me up in the middle of the night with surprise sex. Don't worry, I'll be laying here, motionless, while you do all the work and I have all the orgasms."
I think that, from now on, I'll just pick up Maxim or Playboy. At least they don't pretend to have my best interests in mind.
On how I'm still not doing enough to please my man, and other insights from Cosmo
Author: Notoriously, Mandy. / Labels: Bad Decisions, Chelsea Handler, Cosmo, Men, Sex Tips
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3 comments:
*I* also like their "true confessions". But maybe I'm just trashy that way.
I really dislike when they have these kinds of advice articles. Who cares what a man wants when it comes to sex? We already know what they want. Give me some advice on how to get what "I" want and don't tell me, it's more sex, cause I already know how to play that card.
Well said, Notoriously Mandy!
Agreed! Cosmo should post the same disclaimer at the bottom of all its sex articles every month: *Please be advised that the best way to satisfy a man is to provide him with sex as often as possible. If you are already providing your man with sex every time he wants it, and are in need of further advice, please send a letter to us describing when and how you find the time and energy to do so, and we will be happy to submit your information to the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe it Or Not. Also, please take note of the fact that, if your man has an erection, you are already doing it right, and no blindfolds, silk scarves, ice or crafty sex tricks will be necessary. If your man cannot achieve an erection, there is a 99% chance that this is a symptom of ED, and no fault of yours, and is a sign that it is time to trade in for a younger model.
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