Notes on a Scandalous Life

Of late, I picked up a book that I had once procured and then forgotten about: Touched by Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. I'm not one of those people who would be likely to say to all my friends "I am sooo hyper, and I get bored in class. I must have ADD!" So, I don't think I'm over-diagnosing myself when I say that I do believe that I am and always have been manic-depressive, because I feel like this book is ABOUT me.

As the book explores, some would see my manic-depressive state as a bad thing: artists are more likely than the general public to be manic-depressive, and, likewise, are more likely to commit suicide and abuse drugs or alcohol. One camp thinks that the condition requires medication. Another camp thinks that it's the source of artistic inspiration. It's not like ink hasn't ever been spilled on this argument before. To wit: is madness really such a bad thing when it helps an individual to create art?

I've been feeling pretty existential lately, and I have to say that I think that the highs are worth the lows. When I'm manic, I can sit down and write, and write, and write. My creative ability skyrockets, and, to me, that's worth the occasional depressive spell that I experience. But then, even the lows can assist in the making of art - it's the way that artistic individuals FEEL things more strongly than the general population that helps them to channel those sensations into art.

If I knew someone who experienced (I hate to use the phrase "suffered from") the same condition that I do who chose to take medication, though, I would understand just as well. It's painful, sometimes - even the mania can be uncomfortable, when it keeps you from sleeping or makes you irritable. But, for me, it's worth it. This should come as no surprise to anyone who is very familiar with me, though, anyway - you all know that I'm crazy.