Notes on a Scandalous Life

I just thought about this tonight, although it happened a few weeks ago, and realized that I have some things to say about it.

Once upon a time, when I went to John Brown, I was acquainted with this guy, by which I mean we saw each other in the cafeteria every once-in-awhile, and had about two mutual friends. We never hung out or really talked, but I saw him at a party once-in-awhile, so, at some point, one of us must have added the other to our Facebook, because there he was, a few weeks ago, IMing me. I ignored him, because I never really knew him, and he seemed pretty boring. He kept on IMing me though, so eventually, I was bored enough/drunk enough to listen to whatever it was that he had to say, so I IMed him back. You know, "hey," or something like that. And then it's like:

Him: "I saw your pictures, and it looks like you're a lot of fun."

Okay, well, this is a fair assertion, and not a completely weird thing to say. I'm thinking to myself, maybe he graduated and moved to Dallas, and is looking for someone to hang out with. So I reply with something like "Yeah, I'm more fun than you or your grandmother can handle." or something equally inane. And then...

Him: "So, do you drink?"
Me: "Uhm. Did you fail to notice the staple beer in my hand in almost all of my Facebook pictures?"
Him: "No. I wasn't looking at that (totally creepy winking face)."
Me: "Uhm, okay."
Him: "Well, as I said, I wasn't looking at the beer. So, do you drink?"
Me: "Yeeeah."
Him: "Are you wild?"
Me: "Define wild."
Him: "You know... with guys."
Me: "You mean, do I have sex? No. Of course not. I'm 22. I spend most of my time at home, knitting potholders."

There are SO many things wrong with this conversation, I don't even know where to start. First of all: nice way to point out that you were looking at my tits, asshole. Yeah, I know that my Facebook pictures are hot, but I also have, you know, a profile. With information about myself. That you could at least GLANCE over, before you make the mistake of going straight for the boobs. But, whatever. On top of that, the whole issue of wildness really confused me. Did he mean Girls-Gone-Wild wild, or just plain getting-wasted-and-passing-out-in-strange-places wild? No, apparently he meant a kind of wild I've never heard of - the kind where you have SEX. Since when is sex wild? Since you are lonely, horny, and newly-graduated from John Brown, I guess.

Anyway, for some reason, I allowed this conversation to continue. I basically asked why he was IMing me and saying this shit, if he wasn't even in the area (I had recently gained knowledge of the fact that he was currently located in San Antonio), to which he replied: "Do you not think I would drive up to Dallas for a good blow job?"

Um, yeah. Where did the whole blow job thing come from? Oh yeah, it must be because I'm a woman. We LOVE to give blow jobs. Especially me. The fact that I'm in a bikini in some of my Facebook pictures just automatically means that I must be a penis-hungry slut, and will totally suck any dick that takes the trouble to drive to Dallas for me. Or, you know, NOT.

And so, the conversation ended with him asking for my number, and me deleting him from my Facebook.

This is the moral of the story:
If you are a guy (or, hell, a girl!), and you think my Facebook photos are hot - great! Leave a photo comment. One that is at least a little appropriate, though, cuz, hey, I'm not fully-naked on there or anything, which means that it's not the best venue for you to discuss how much you want to teabag me.

But if you want to take it further and actually talk to me, you could at least bother to feign some interest in something other than my "wildness". Read my profile and talk to me about my favorite books or something, or, hell, ask me how my day was. Just remember that Facebook is not a DATING website, nor is it an adult-friend-finding website, and I am not there to solicit sex from you. So don't bother. And, if you do, at least be smart enough to tone down the creep factor for me at least a LITTLE bit, and avoid jumping straight to the conclusion that, because I have had sex with another guy before, I must therefore be willing to do it with you - ESPECIALLY if you drive all the way to Dallas.